my husband is driving my daughter away

You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Anything! July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. If youre not sure how to establish or improve your bond with your daughter, here are five tips: In conclusion, it is evident that a daughter needs her fathers guidance and support, especially during her teenage years. lets_be_honest And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. Ive been there. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. Thats probably what her daughter is reacting to, and she probably sees her father as a bully. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. I literally didnt know that the wonders of Classic Rock existed until I got to college. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. We are this little team of 2. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. Are any of these familiar to you? What kind of history and science is your husband into? So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . This can cause a lot of tension in the family. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. I have to just try harder.. July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? 6napkinburger He came home four hours later. It is essential for a father to be involved in his daughters life and to show her love and attention. Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. but this might be the best Ive ever read here. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. Ive grown up to be a very accomplished writer, and my dad loves to read what I write. But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. The LWs husband sounds like my father. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. I was thinking this too. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. July 2, 2013, 11:08 am. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. Yes. Amazing job today! First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. Hilary Duff has always come clean about her parenting journey over the years. See a different horoscope: Select FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. So, encourage her to spend time with him. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. Addie Pray Things like going for ice cream. Or even more fun than you would. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! Maybe he can break out the old Van Halen or Metallica for her to listen to and you know, maybe she will just really like it. If you have any concerns that your husband is driving your daughter away, be sure to talk to him about it. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. bittergaymark Of course, few 12-year-olds are really *excited* to have to read stuff from the Wall Street Journal, or to be asked to do mental math about ROTH versus traditional IRAs. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Great lesson to learn from your dad. Did we always get along? Way to become a teenager yourself dad. Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! I love this woman, but theres no pleasing her. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. When they are able to see the. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. You may not see the rewards right away. When I surprised her with it, she told me that we dont have any friends and why would I think that shed want to waste a whole weekend in some hotel when we could be painting the bedroom and actually accomplishing something. Is there a middle ground? Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. My father would have considered my sister and I uninformed if we held an opinion that he didnt share, even if we weighed both sides and did research on the issue. This is a throw away account. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. Cool! I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. Im doing everything I can to make things work between us. Please do try to give the same gift to your daughter. Its her birthday today So Im taking her out for a steak dinner and then were going to watch fireworks (which she has decided the city has put on for her). Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? Please implore him to realize that if one of your daughters peers was reacting similarly to her, the two of you would deplore that child as a Mean Kid. I think I read this differently than Wendy. Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. Get out the frying pan. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. Give it a look and let me know what you think. Im notorious for doing this to family and friends, but you know what? This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. I actually found her on Facebook a few years ago, lol. I hope the LW sees your comment. From Voyager, for some odd reason, The Q and the Grey really struck a chord with me and actually made me challenge all of my beliefs regarding what is beyond humanity. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. He came home and threw his briefcase on the ground. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. Do they really want intimacy but fear that their need will end up in entrapment? But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? My best friend is in that episode! Are you on Tumblr? This can look like moving to a far away place, convincing you your. Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. During the summer especially, our kids both have homework that may include working on actual homework-like assignments or getting a privilege after answering X number of questions correctly on our American Trivia game (history, pop culture, geography, etc). It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. Act like one. bittergaymark LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. And, as I am sure you know from previous experience, exploding doesn't make anything better. bittergaymark If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. I camped. | I cant believe you didnt address that. Cardinals games and all. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. Mommy and daddy present a united front. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. Criticism gets internalized so much more easily at certain ages and coming from certain people something everyone should be more aware of. But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. (Which is fine, I guess. it seems to . Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. bitter_straight_lets_be_honest and your journey to the darkside shall be complete, lets_be_honest So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? Heck no! But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying. I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together.

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